Opinions & A-Holes, You Know the Rest

Ok this one goes out to all my fellow assholes.

This is a title I embrace with pride.
Like admitting you’re an alcoholic, and not giving a fuck… I guess…

Anyway.

I am an asshole, and the people who know me, have always known this about me. Its not like I snuck it out once on accident, its been there from day one.

Let me clarify by saying that I’m not like the Grouch, just sneering all the time unable to make pleasant conversation. I just see humor in otherwise inappropriate situations.

For instance, if I’m at the park with the girls, and I see a kid doing something stupid, and he ends up eating dirt, I fucking laugh. I laugh hard. That shits funny to me. Hell, I’ll even laugh at my own kids, if its something I told them not to do. ( I’ll make sure they’re okay of course, but then I laugh.)

When I hear someone say something stupid, I cant help but make a smartass comment. Overly religious people are the worst. And its usually something that has to do with my daughter`s Type-1 Diabetes.

Such as: “maybe if you pray hard to God, he`ll heal your disease.”

It’s like wow, your church must serve some really good kool-aid. So, he has the cure for diabetes, but he just can’t crack that whole stupid thing, huh?

I have nothing against religion itself, or the people who believe in it, just don’t come at me or my daughter with some batshit crazy nonsense about your magic man fixing something we have a hard enough time dealing with any way.

Some people will undoubtedly disagree with my style of parenting, but I could hardly care less. At least I’m not continuing  the current trend of breeding a generation who doesnt understand consequences, or as Bill Burr once put it, “In the way people“.
My daughter’s are quick witted, and at times make even me feel stupid.

All I can say is that when those little ladies get older and someone thinks they’re gonna get one over on them. They better pack a lunch, because it’ll be a long day.

And for the record. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else, I make fun of myself too.

It’s just way more entertaining when it’s at someone else’s expense.

All Pro Dad

I’m not sure if its just my area or if its in all areas, but, my 8 year old daughter’s school has this thing they call an All Pro Dad breakfast every third Tuesday of the month. Now at first thought one might imagine this being a great thing, a bunch of dads getting together with their kids @ 7:30-8 talking with each other enjoying breakfast.

Until you walk in.

It’s like walking into a Bring Your Kid to an AA meeting day. All these miserable looking fathers sitting around in chairs that were clearly meant for Hobbits, with these looks on their faces like you were supposed to bring the rescue party, only to realize its just you.

You soon begin to understand that most of these dads are only here because of some barter they made with their wives and now see they got the short end of the stick in that deal. Then theres also the Leave it to Beaver dads that are there because, gee golly, they just love their little rascal so dang much. Which is fine in its own right, at least they were happy to be there. I just don’t trust anyone who`s that fucking chipper at 7:30 in the morning.

There were a couple of dads like me who were hoping this were more of an eat Breakfast with your kids and shoot the shit with other dads kinda thing. We just looked at each other like “should we just go to McDonald’s? Oh fuck it were already here, lets see how weird this party gets”.

Then there was the group affirmation, which bothered me, because, who the fuck needs needs to affirm they love their kid in some creepy fucking cult chant?

It quickly became clear that this was less of a group of dads hanging out with their kids together, eating breakfast. As it was more a parenting education class disguised as a group of dads hanging out with their kids together, eating breakfast. Equipped with a powepoint, handouts, and going around the room and each one of us saying why our kid is special. I thought about saying something witty and fucked up, but then I realized, I couldnt afford to get detention.

I have to go to work later.

Gotta love a place that has to trick parents into hanging out with their kids. 

How to get punched in the face by the dad of type-1 diabetic.

I know some of you have been around the type of people who just say things that are so ignorant and rude. That you wonder if they just may in fact be trying to get punched in the face. I’m around them almost everyday. So much in fact that I sit and wonder, where the hell did move to?
For the most part I’ve come to accept that Type-1 Diabetes is something that not a whole lot of people are familiar with, and that’s okay. But not many people would have the lack of empathy to walk up to the father of a terminally ill child and say, “Yea my mom had that. She died.” Or, “I heard chemo makes you wish you were dead , plus you go bald”.

I mean, you would have to either be A. The dumbest fucking person on earth, B. A sociopath.
So why do some people feel its acceptable to walk up to me and start talking about their “Nanna losing her legs to that sugar disease” in front of my daughter? And expect me NOT to say something completely off the wall right back… “Guess Nanna better learn to walk on her hands, huh?” I mean who do these people think they are, Wilfred fuckin Brimley?

“Don’t worry she’ll grow out of it, it’s not like it’s Cancer or something..”

This remark makes an assault and battery charge look pretty tempting.
“They don’t make em like you anymore, do they? I bet momma told you you were a thinking man, and you thought. What the hell, I guess I’ll just keep on doing it.”

I realize that these people aren’t meaning anything by it, but thats not an excuse for ignorance. If you don’t know anything about a disease don’t pretend to be an authority on the subject to someone who’s been doing this 24 hours a day for 5 years. It’s offensive, for fuck’s sake GOOGLE it! Not to mention you never know if today’s the day he loses his shit and punches you in the face.
Just saying.

Truth or Consequences

Why is it that kids think they’re smarter then their parents? I try desperately not to get sucked into that never ending “yea huh, nuh uh” battle, but sometimes it’s really hard. After the millionth time of hearing “How do you know?”, you really have to catch yourself from responding with “because I’m not a fucking idiot, THAT’S how!”

I learned that sometimes it’s better to let my daughters learn some things the hard way (to an extent). If they don’t believe me when I warn them of the consequences.

My oldest is the worst, that kid thinks she knows everything! One day she is sitting in this two foot tall pink plastic chair, leaning on the back two legs. As a concerned father obviously I said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you”.

“Why?” She snapped back at me.

“Because you’re gonna lose your balance and fall”.

“No I won’t”

By this time in my head, I was just like fuck it. Let’s see how this situation plays out.  Back and forth, I can see this chair rock. The front legs lifting off the ground higher and higher each time.

Then she just drops, straight back with a thud as she hit the carpet. The tears of embarrassment begin forming in the corners of her eyes. So I did what any father would do.

I  helped her back up and said

“See, you can’t outsmart gravity”.