Opinions & A-Holes, You Know the Rest

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Ok this one goes out to all my fellow assholes.

This is a title I embrace with pride.
Like admitting you’re an alcoholic, and not giving a fuck… I guess…

Anyway.

I am an asshole, and the people who know me, have always known this about me. Its not like I snuck it out once on accident, its been there from day one.

Let me clarify by saying that I’m not like the Grouch, just sneering all the time unable to make pleasant conversation. I just see humor in otherwise inappropriate situations.

For instance, if I’m at the park with the girls, and I see a kid doing something stupid, and he ends up eating dirt, I fucking laugh. I laugh hard. That shits funny to me. Hell, I’ll even laugh at my own kids, if its something I told them not to do. ( I’ll make sure they’re okay of course, but then I laugh.)

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When I hear someone say something stupid, I cant help but make a smartass comment. Overly religious people are the worst. And its usually something that has to do with my daughter`s Type-1 Diabetes.

Such as: “maybe if you pray hard to God, he`ll heal your disease.”

It’s like wow, your church must serve some really good kool-aid. So, he has the cure for diabetes, but he just can’t crack that whole stupid thing, huh?

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I have nothing against religion itself, or the people who believe in it, just don’t come at me or my daughter with some batshit crazy nonsense about your magic man fixing something we have a hard enough time dealing with any way.

Some people will undoubtedly disagree with my style of parenting, but I could hardly care less. At least I’m not continuing  the current trend of breeding a generation who doesnt understand consequences, or as Bill Burr once put it, “In the way people“.
My daughter’s are quick witted, and at times make even me feel stupid.

All I can say is that when those little ladies get older and someone thinks they’re gonna get one over on them. They better pack a lunch, because it’ll be a long day.

And for the record. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else, I make fun of myself too.

It’s just way more entertaining when it’s at someone else’s expense.

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All Pro Dad

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I’m not sure if its just my area or if its in all areas, but, my 8 year old daughter’s school has this thing they call an All Pro Dad breakfast every third Tuesday of the month. Now at first thought one might imagine this being a great thing, a bunch of dads getting together with their kids @ 7:30-8 talking with each other enjoying breakfast.

Until you walk in.

It’s like walking into a Bring Your Kid to an AA meeting day. All these miserable looking fathers sitting around in chairs that were clearly meant for Hobbits, with these looks on their faces like you were supposed to bring the rescue party, only to realize its just you.

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You soon begin to understand that most of these dads are only here because of some barter they made with their wives and now see they got the short end of the stick in that deal. Then theres also the Leave it to Beaver dads that are there because, gee golly, they just love their little rascal so dang much. Which is fine in its own right, at least they were happy to be there. I just don’t trust anyone who`s that fucking chipper at 7:30 in the morning.

There were a couple of dads like me who were hoping this were more of an eat Breakfast with your kids and shoot the shit with other dads kinda thing. We just looked at each other like “should we just go to McDonald’s? Oh fuck it were already here, lets see how weird this party gets”.

Then there was the group affirmation, which bothered me, because, who the fuck needs needs to affirm they love their kid in some creepy fucking cult chant?

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It quickly became clear that this was less of a group of dads hanging out with their kids together, eating breakfast. As it was more a parenting education class disguised as a group of dads hanging out with their kids together, eating breakfast. Equipped with a powepoint, handouts, and going around the room and each one of us saying why our kid is special. I thought about saying something witty and fucked up, but then I realized, I couldnt afford to get detention.

I have to go to work later.

Gotta love a place that has to trick parents into hanging out with their kids. 

The return of theMadDdad

Its been a while since I’ve posted on here, almost a year now actually. But as I stare at my 2 week old son, I feel inspired to write again.            

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As parents we often lose sight of the things that really matter in life, whether its because of work, or financial stress, marital problems, or all of the above. We forget about taking time to stop and enjoy our kid’s fuck ups.

I love my children with all my heart and would murder somebody if they ever hurt them. But there for a while I was having problems that I wont get into, lets just say  – shit got rough.  
            
So frustrated all the time, and it was my family that took the brunt of it all.Thinking back I feel horrible for the way treated them. Just felt like I wanted to be alone, to go off into my own little world so I didnt have to deal with reality.

But as a father,  you just cant do that.

It felt like I was missing out on a lot of memorable moments in my daughter’s lives and that makes me sad thinking back. Being so damn selfish.

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But then I hit a moment where, one day I realized- “Man.. I`m really fucking up”.  Life just sort of slowed down and I could see the pain in my daughter’s eyes and it fucking killed me. I felt like a piece of shit.  Hell, I WAS being a piece of shit parent, and it had to stop. It did.

Nowadays, I just randomly grab my two daughters, hug them really tight and say “Man, I hope you know I love the shit out of you.” And give them a kiss. Sometimes they look at me like I`ve lost my mind, but for the most part they’ll hug me back and say “I love you too deddy” with a smile that just melts my heart.  

As I watched my son coming into the world, the first thing I thought was –

`Holy shit, there`s a baby coming out of my wife’s crotch!`     

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Then there was a rush of oxytocin, or love as we all call it. The way it makes you feel is indescribable. An almost animalistic urge to murder the shit out of any potential evildoers, and baby stealers.

It just sweeps over you, your eyes tear up, and you mentally tell yourself and the newly born infant, flailing aimlessly and frightened after being squeezed into this crazy world.  That you will love them forever, and that, yea, you’re gonna fuck shit up sometimes, not always say the right thing, but you will do everything in your power not to screw them up so bad that they grow up to be a serial killer…or a lawyer.

I just hope when they’re all grown, with their own families, living their own lives. They dont look back on their childhood and resent me the way I do my father.

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That, I have to say, is my greatest fear.

My 30 year Birthday with Doped Up Hyenas

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So I turned 30 yesterday, which went by unnoticed until my 22 year old brother in law says “Wow man, you’re fucking 30 years old thats crazy! To think you were having a kid at my age… Well, if you want to get technical I didn’t have my first daughter until I was 24 so yea go fuck yourself. Thanks for reminding me I don’t heal as quickly, I’m overdo for a prostate exam, and I wake up every morning feeling like I got barreled over by a semi truck, you barely out of high school dickhead!

For my birthday my wife surprised me with a 3 tier beer and liquor cake since I don’t do sweets (of course there was a regular cake that she made from scratch, for everyone else. Which just happened to be in the shape of a tombstone that read “R.I.P. 20’s” as if I hadn’t already been painfully reminded.) So while they were OD’n themselves on sugar, I enjoyed a few cans of Amber ale.
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My daughter’s present to me was a trip to go see How to Train Your Dragon 2 ( I’m pretty sure this was more of a present for her then it was for me, considering I would have rather gone to see 22 Jump Street, but what the hell.) After my wife’s mother strategically forgot she was going to watch our younger daughter so she could go have Funnel Cake Friday by herself (long story), we dropped the already salivating 3 year old off at grandma’s and were on our way. We get there, buy our tickets and refreshments and find the perfect seats amongst the small crowd who had beaten us there.

Five minutes before the film starts these two grown women take their seats behind us and are immediately giggly and very chatty, as if they were the only two people in the whole theater (to see a children’s movie, without a child, which I thought was strange. But who doesn’t love a good cartoon every once in a while). The previews are playing, everyone’s setting their phones to vibrate as instructed by the movie screen anticipating the beginning of
a film thats been 5 years in the making. The women behind us must have missed the part where it said, politely, to shut up. Despite the 2 minute commercial of the Geico pig ruining the movie for a bunch of people ending with a message in bold letters, Don’t Ruin The Movie for Other People. They were still talking up a storm but the rational side of me, that tries to see the good in people told me that this was still the previews, surely to God they will quiet down once the movie begins.

Half way through the movie I’m gripping the edge of my arm rests, clinching my teeth, fighting back every urge to jerk around and as politely as I could at that point, tell the two women to “please shut the fuck up! but knowing that when I get agitated (and the fact that my daughter was beside me, plus various other kids scattered about.) nothing ever comes out as politely as I mean it to, so I opted to bite my tongue. It was a test of true will power to say the least, the way they hee-hawed and obnoxiously laughed. Like two cackling Hyenas strung out on meth.

Finally reaching her threshold for the lack of inconsiderate behavior. My daughter( having inherited my ability for sarcasm and a lack of tolerance for bullshit) turns around and shoots them a glance that made me proud to be her father. A sincere gaze that said “look… If you don’t shut up, I will choke you… I’m trying to watch Dragons in 3D here..” I suppose that upon seeing the look they knew she was serious because we didn’t hear a peep out of them after that. It’s sad when a 7 year old child has more manners and respect for other people then 2 grown women.

On the way home my wife and I were discussing our favorite parts of the movie, but not hearing anything from the backseat. So I asked her if she had had as good a time as I did, there was a brief pause.

” …Yea the movie was good… But I just can’t get those lady’s annoying laughs out of my head!”

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How to get punched in the face by the dad of type-1 diabetic.

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I know some of you have been around the type of people who just say things that are so ignorant and rude. That you wonder if they just may in fact be trying to get punched in the face. I’m around them almost everyday. So much in fact that I sit and wonder, where the hell did move to?
For the most part I’ve come to accept that Type-1 Diabetes is something that not a whole lot of people are familiar with, and that’s okay. But not many people would have the lack of empathy to walk up to the father of a terminally ill child and say, “Yea my mom had that. She died.” Or, “I heard chemo makes you wish you were dead , plus you go bald”.

I mean, you would have to either be A. The dumbest fucking person on earth, B. A sociopath.
So why do some people feel its acceptable to walk up to me and start talking about their “Nanna losing her legs to that sugar disease” in front of my daughter? And expect me NOT to say something completely off the wall right back… “Guess Nanna better learn to walk on her hands, huh?” I mean who do these people think they are, Wilfred fuckin Brimley?

“Don’t worry she’ll grow out of it, it’s not like it’s Cancer or something..”

This remark makes an assault and battery charge look pretty tempting.
“They don’t make em like you anymore, do they? I bet momma told you you were a thinking man, and you thought. What the hell, I guess I’ll just keep on doing it.”

I realize that these people aren’t meaning anything by it, but thats not an excuse for ignorance. If you don’t know anything about a disease don’t pretend to be an authority on the subject to someone who’s been doing this 24 hours a day for 5 years. It’s offensive, for fuck’s sake GOOGLE it! Not to mention you never know if today’s the day he loses his shit and punches you in the face.
Just saying.

Daddy Awards

TB: Daddy?

Me: Yes, baby?

TB: You’re the best pantser ever.

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, you may have been wondering which daddy was going to win the award for the best pants puter-oner ever aka The Best Pantser Award, well the votes are in.

It’s ME!

Boom suckas!

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That’s why I love being a dad, whenever you think man, what the hell have I accomplished in my life? your kids will bust out a little ego booster like that, just to remind you.

My accolades this week include, but are not limited to:

• The Best Hot Dog Maker Ever
• The Best Story Reader Ever
• The Best Cartoon Picker Ever
• The Best Daddy Ever
And the lastest and most awesomely worded
The Best Panster Ever ( in high school this would have meant something entirely different)

Now I don’t want to come off as arrogant, but I can put on a mean pair of pants. My trick is after you get the legs in the holes, you grab the top of the sides and lift’em up real quick. Giving a little shimmy as you do so, that ensures they slide right in for a perfect fit. Then you simply clasp the buttons, give a little tap on the hiney as say “Bam! You’re all set.”

So there you have it. If you want to dress your child like a pro, just practice those steps and you too could one day win the Best Pantser Ever award.
Good luck, and happy pantsing.

Truth or Consequences

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Why is it that kids think they’re smarter then their parents? I try desperately not to get sucked into that never ending “yea huh, nuh uh” battle, but sometimes it’s really hard. After the millionth time of hearing “How do you know?”, you really have to catch yourself from responding with “because I’m not a fucking idiot, THAT’S how!”

I learned that sometimes it’s better to let my daughters learn some things the hard way (to an extent). If they don’t believe me when I warn them of the consequences.

My oldest is the worst, that kid thinks she knows everything! One day she is sitting in this two foot tall pink plastic chair, leaning on the back two legs. As a concerned father obviously I said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you”.

“Why?” She snapped back at me.

“Because you’re gonna lose your balance and fall”.

“No I won’t”

By this time in my head, I was just like fuck it. Let’s see how this situation plays out.  Back and forth, I can see this chair rock. The front legs lifting off the ground higher and higher each time.

Then she just drops, straight back with a thud as she hit the carpet. The tears of embarrassment begin forming in the corners of her eyes. So I did what any father would do.

I  helped her back up and said

“See, you can’t outsmart gravity”.