Opinions & A-Holes, You Know the Rest

Ok this one goes out to all my fellow assholes.

This is a title I embrace with pride.
Like admitting you’re an alcoholic, and not giving a fuck… I guess…

Anyway.

I am an asshole, and the people who know me, have always known this about me. Its not like I snuck it out once on accident, its been there from day one.

Let me clarify by saying that I’m not like the Grouch, just sneering all the time unable to make pleasant conversation. I just see humor in otherwise inappropriate situations.

For instance, if I’m at the park with the girls, and I see a kid doing something stupid, and he ends up eating dirt, I fucking laugh. I laugh hard. That shits funny to me. Hell, I’ll even laugh at my own kids, if its something I told them not to do. ( I’ll make sure they’re okay of course, but then I laugh.)

When I hear someone say something stupid, I cant help but make a smartass comment. Overly religious people are the worst. And its usually something that has to do with my daughter`s Type-1 Diabetes.

Such as: “maybe if you pray hard to God, he`ll heal your disease.”

It’s like wow, your church must serve some really good kool-aid. So, he has the cure for diabetes, but he just can’t crack that whole stupid thing, huh?

I have nothing against religion itself, or the people who believe in it, just don’t come at me or my daughter with some batshit crazy nonsense about your magic man fixing something we have a hard enough time dealing with any way.

Some people will undoubtedly disagree with my style of parenting, but I could hardly care less. At least I’m not continuing  the current trend of breeding a generation who doesnt understand consequences, or as Bill Burr once put it, “In the way people“.
My daughter’s are quick witted, and at times make even me feel stupid.

All I can say is that when those little ladies get older and someone thinks they’re gonna get one over on them. They better pack a lunch, because it’ll be a long day.

And for the record. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else, I make fun of myself too.

It’s just way more entertaining when it’s at someone else’s expense.

My 30 year Birthday with Doped Up Hyenas

So I turned 30 yesterday, which went by unnoticed until my 22 year old brother in law says “Wow man, you’re fucking 30 years old thats crazy! To think you were having a kid at my age… Well, if you want to get technical I didn’t have my first daughter until I was 24 so yea go fuck yourself. Thanks for reminding me I don’t heal as quickly, I’m overdo for a prostate exam, and I wake up every morning feeling like I got barreled over by a semi truck, you barely out of high school dickhead!

For my birthday my wife surprised me with a 3 tier beer and liquor cake since I don’t do sweets (of course there was a regular cake that she made from scratch, for everyone else. Which just happened to be in the shape of a tombstone that read “R.I.P. 20’s” as if I hadn’t already been painfully reminded.) So while they were OD’n themselves on sugar, I enjoyed a few cans of Amber ale.

My daughter’s present to me was a trip to go see How to Train Your Dragon 2 ( I’m pretty sure this was more of a present for her then it was for me, considering I would have rather gone to see 22 Jump Street, but what the hell.) After my wife’s mother strategically forgot she was going to watch our younger daughter so she could go have Funnel Cake Friday by herself (long story), we dropped the already salivating 3 year old off at grandma’s and were on our way. We get there, buy our tickets and refreshments and find the perfect seats amongst the small crowd who had beaten us there.

Five minutes before the film starts these two grown women take their seats behind us and are immediately giggly and very chatty, as if they were the only two people in the whole theater (to see a children’s movie, without a child, which I thought was strange. But who doesn’t love a good cartoon every once in a while). The previews are playing, everyone’s setting their phones to vibrate as instructed by the movie screen anticipating the beginning of
a film thats been 5 years in the making. The women behind us must have missed the part where it said, politely, to shut up. Despite the 2 minute commercial of the Geico pig ruining the movie for a bunch of people ending with a message in bold letters, Don’t Ruin The Movie for Other People. They were still talking up a storm but the rational side of me, that tries to see the good in people told me that this was still the previews, surely to God they will quiet down once the movie begins.

Half way through the movie I’m gripping the edge of my arm rests, clinching my teeth, fighting back every urge to jerk around and as politely as I could at that point, tell the two women to “please shut the fuck up! but knowing that when I get agitated (and the fact that my daughter was beside me, plus various other kids scattered about.) nothing ever comes out as politely as I mean it to, so I opted to bite my tongue. It was a test of true will power to say the least, the way they hee-hawed and obnoxiously laughed. Like two cackling Hyenas strung out on meth.

Finally reaching her threshold for the lack of inconsiderate behavior. My daughter( having inherited my ability for sarcasm and a lack of tolerance for bullshit) turns around and shoots them a glance that made me proud to be her father. A sincere gaze that said “look… If you don’t shut up, I will choke you… I’m trying to watch Dragons in 3D here..” I suppose that upon seeing the look they knew she was serious because we didn’t hear a peep out of them after that. It’s sad when a 7 year old child has more manners and respect for other people then 2 grown women.

On the way home my wife and I were discussing our favorite parts of the movie, but not hearing anything from the backseat. So I asked her if she had had as good a time as I did, there was a brief pause.

” …Yea the movie was good… But I just can’t get those lady’s annoying laughs out of my head!”

How to get punched in the face by the dad of type-1 diabetic.

I know some of you have been around the type of people who just say things that are so ignorant and rude. That you wonder if they just may in fact be trying to get punched in the face. I’m around them almost everyday. So much in fact that I sit and wonder, where the hell did move to?
For the most part I’ve come to accept that Type-1 Diabetes is something that not a whole lot of people are familiar with, and that’s okay. But not many people would have the lack of empathy to walk up to the father of a terminally ill child and say, “Yea my mom had that. She died.” Or, “I heard chemo makes you wish you were dead , plus you go bald”.

I mean, you would have to either be A. The dumbest fucking person on earth, B. A sociopath.
So why do some people feel its acceptable to walk up to me and start talking about their “Nanna losing her legs to that sugar disease” in front of my daughter? And expect me NOT to say something completely off the wall right back… “Guess Nanna better learn to walk on her hands, huh?” I mean who do these people think they are, Wilfred fuckin Brimley?

“Don’t worry she’ll grow out of it, it’s not like it’s Cancer or something..”

This remark makes an assault and battery charge look pretty tempting.
“They don’t make em like you anymore, do they? I bet momma told you you were a thinking man, and you thought. What the hell, I guess I’ll just keep on doing it.”

I realize that these people aren’t meaning anything by it, but thats not an excuse for ignorance. If you don’t know anything about a disease don’t pretend to be an authority on the subject to someone who’s been doing this 24 hours a day for 5 years. It’s offensive, for fuck’s sake GOOGLE it! Not to mention you never know if today’s the day he loses his shit and punches you in the face.
Just saying.